Thursday, November 24, 2011

There is something secret and it is holding my hands

The gamma symbol represents a numerical parameter that describes the nonlinear relationship between pixel value and luminance

Monday, October 10, 2011


     Dad fifteen miles offshore, calling while he still can but i never pick up. Leaves a message on my answering machine, saying TE QUIERO ALLY, WATCH YOUR BACK ALWAYS. DESEO QUE ESTES AQUI. These mobile phones replacing that old radio we had on the beach, when my sister and i were blond as day, shrieking into our hands, and mom would fax our crappy drawings through space and water, dad saying MISS MY GIRLS, TE QUIERO. He didn't know we were drawing on the walls too, and mom was kissing her cavegirls, the london bridge falling down each night.
     Only the surface has changed....we're still going the same way, all as we have been. I'll swim with you

Thursday, October 6, 2011

      I am so angry..all the more for i know i have no right to feel it...i have hurt so many people. i made this bed of nails, and dancing on it wonder aloud why do my feet bleed? why does it hurt me to move so? i am not still as i need to be.. but i have been submissive enough so that now i am stepping on the nails out of spite, spitting in my palm.

  I went back there to give you back to yourself. upon placing that plain black t-shirt in your hand, you checked the nape of my neck and we both saw at the same time that part of you i didn't return. i was trying to give you back but i was still wearing you. i was wearing what i kept.

    Why was woman made so fickle? We destroy ourselves when we destroy them..i remember that sad way you looked at me the night i sneaked out through your bedroom window...i felt so wild, hopeless out there in the street. but time brought with it the fruition of my fears, and i have now those puppy eyes. dark mirrors reflecting the way the wheel goes, goes backwards all the while

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Been dancing in the dark so long the light hurts my eyes...i'm pulling a woolen blanket over my head, tricking strangers into taking it off. Put your hand back over my mouth......."Children should be seen and not heard"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

"The little soldier"

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love

(1 John 4:18)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

“Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents and harmless as doves"

Months ago your mother told you i might be an angel, though sleeping like this red brother on my forearm. Spending nights now in a cave, thankful he can sleep while we move against a shaved head, Pin Me Down, wings where we can't see, arrested behind me. Placing metal objects in my palm with which to keep a straight fist. Knuckles like knives, quietly sharpening them over so often its so hard for me to fall asleep when i'm told. Can they hear me, whispering through that tiny hole in the wall? Trembling with the light, it gets lost in this dying tide. But all is returned that was once taken, it is only their shapes that change in the dark

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Still going steady with strangers

Talking fellini, talking lauper with a bum inside mcdonalds. He's polish and raving, smelling for all the world's golden arches like kimchi. I'm breathing out of my mouth, showing him my teeth (says i have a problem), apologizing for the czech (says i didn't know where i was going). Enter girl missing skin. Tall, beautiful, young, the skin is missing from her forehead, her arm and leg. The entire right side stripped, that secret white meat exposed and yellowing as the sun made warm my skin through the window, further fermenting my slavic rambler korean, and he's going on about elton's back-up girls, calls them crossbred. Down africa, down china, down white girl. A dark little one is reaching out to that raw calf (Herschell Gordon Lewis making spit in his pants now) when she says motorcycle accident and i left my coke there

That texaco before the bridge, all rims and it smells like weed, everyone yells at each other, i'm walking stiff always when i move. Each night the slander haloed with old light...always through the speakers voices soft and dead, golden velvet. Earth angel coming as i go

Monday, August 15, 2011

Saturday, August 13, 2011


My god, my god, why have you forsaken me

Woman, behold your son: behold your mother.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mommy passed down her bad taste. Moving towards the beach on the back of a black motorcycle, like lions over the bridge, i remember she told me she could hear him coming.. it was the first thing i said

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Bataille and pink movies

La Bête Humaine

"When Kichi sees the woman has wet herself, his innate vulnerability is revealed. 'I thought I was holding my dead mother in my arms.' A latent fixation is hinted at: the small boy who lives in all grown men perhaps revels in Sada's dominance, being reminded of past maternal discipline and tactility. Sada's own mother 'suffered greatly before she died'. For a moment there is a suggestion that what the lovers found in one another went through and beyond the sexual; a limitless melange of dependence rooted in infancy: mother, father, child, lover, the whole ardently desired spectrum of physical comfort remembered and reinvented by the body's passionate chemistry.

"Thus the lovers return to their appointed destiny: the tsunami, composed of love, passion, terror, longing, is closing over them; a half-recognized yet almost cosmic ambition for total one-ness; a Calvary whose stations and implements are all artifacts of irresistible power; the power of sexual love, of a petite mort from which there can be no recovery.

"Sada is also the goddess to be worshipped: the beautiful Morgan-le-Fay, the Fata Morgana, one of the Furies, a Valkyrie reaching from paradise. She is Kali, goddess of life and death, who wears a necklace of human skulls, who fertilises, who loves as she kills. She is the Japanese heroine of the Kabuki theatre, whose feminine attire and whitened mask conceal a powerful man."

- Rosemary Hawley Jarman, Eros in Hell "Ai No Corrida"

Monday, June 13, 2011

Obsessed with the obsessed

Optometrist Beiler, trespassing my eye hole with beam of light (brother of spear), dictates to white-vest christina, "Vessels: stunning."
Pierce the other side, "stunning."

Monday, May 23, 2011

its not right

ma·nia definition
Pronunciation: /ˈmā-nē-ə, -nyə/
Function: n
: excitement of psychotic proportions manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood

   /ˈmeɪniə, ˈmeɪnyə/ Show Spelled[mey-nee-uh, meyn-yuh] Show IPA
an ancient Roman goddess of the dead.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I was working when i heard the girls were leaving. I was at work when owen meany cut off johnny's trigger finger with the diamond wheel. I was at work when i realized i've been victimizing myself since the day i was born, and realizing that maturing is believing yourself an angel, forsaken. The ability, choice, to go over it. Not to grin and bear, but to love regardless. To love the hurt, you have to. The hurt love brings is strongest of them all. Sink not, helpless babe

Friday, May 13, 2011

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

China my china" (open -ended

BETRAYED, DIED TO BE. we lived according to death, obsessed with it. we were young and obsessed with death. great to be obsessed, i guessed. great to be consumed, over consuming. Take me before i take you. DELIVER ME, else i kill you and cry for all the rest of it. KILL ME and i die taken.
this morning i gave hispanic

I get drunk and type freely, but only of ending. truth is, i can't stop beginning

Monday, April 18, 2011

Going to a baseball game in the middle of a fast is hard to do. dear hot dog i miss you love allyson

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Friday, April 1, 2011


Closer to the world with each fuck. I'm persian and dripping, Skin like milk glass, Hard like a refugee but i'm locked in bed. Down china, down africa...

Once you think its possible to win, you begin losing

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


My girl's mottled prince lost so young. Barking behind her in a wishing well, her call growing softer in the dark as it went.. with magic grace he tucked his tail, the world too coarse for our buddy soft and smart.
We lost him in the rain that night. The weak fist of morning nudged us back into the streets and we found him.. his foxy coat mocking the cruel sky, our prince down on violent green, body unfamiliar but his head was high like Sphinx. I cried to touch his dirty fur. i thought he wasn't real

We can't touch him anymore, wet or dry, healthy or thin, but i was wrong to think that morning that he couldn't be there. Now he is gone and i know he will never truly go. Good things can't die, try as they might