Friday, July 13, 2012

All right to run

Dear Internet (aka,outer space),
I am afraid I am going nuts. I feel like this every day for a long time now. I am telling you because if I keep it to myself , it gets worse, and when I tell a human , they run quietly and surely hide. Take my brain, or my heart, whatever it is I don't want it anymore.. It is making things hard for me. I surely do not need it anymore because it doesn't work right anyway. I don't know which one it is because I feel very sensitive and anguished so often (every day) over nothing, or at least no one else finds these things to be things at all, and I'm over here getting so worked up over it. So that's where I feel it is my heart that is not right anymore.....I feel it's not working right, it's a naked, fierce thing that no one wants to be caught looking at. Kind of like the guy craping himself on the public bus. Too honest, too public. It sounds like I am trying to say that my heart is broken. I am not traditional there so I will just say I think there is something wrong with it, not broken, it's working , but it works too hard for itself all the time. Makes me tired. I said before that I didn't know if it was that or the other, it's both, because while my heart pumps itself to hell , my brain is very busy knowing so. Every little thing it sees and tries to understand but in doing so, in grappling with light and darkness , my poor brain is not making sense anymore......too much staring at the sun, been swimming too long in dark waters. I want them both out. I can't even write anymore, I used to really enjoy it and feel some solace or connection with words , now though I'm just afraid of what I might say, that is, if I knew what to say to anybody in the first place. We all get frustrated with the weak Ones. Trouble also that ive never accepted this weakness. I know its true because when you tell me i act like a child, tell me to grow up, i get So angry. I think these things sound terrible ..I dont know what is real Or valuable. I dont know the Difference between worship and love. Devotion or authenticity? Are they brothers or opponents? I'm afraid again like I've always been, but not like I should be... I'm not afraid to die, I am afraid of living.

Allyson

2 comments:

  1. I just started crying at work reading this. I want to tell you why but I don't even know where to start.

    Mik.

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    Replies
    1. I love you and feel I know you all the time

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